Archives For Parenting

IMG_1037The NBA season is winding down and things are getting tense.  The Miami Heat tend to have more pressure than some of the other teams. They supposedly put together a dream team a couple of years ago in hopes of winning a championship.

Fortunately they have been able to win back to back championships the last two years. Prior to those championships, their star player, Lebron James, appeared to struggle at key times, i.e. the end of the game. He has been labeled as a bad closer.  Before he was criticized for not coming up big at the end of games with a clutch, game winning shot or play. Fair or not that was the word in the media.

Now I can’t say for sure, but is it the pressure?  We all play differently under pressure. Michael Jordan loved the pressure and always wanted the ball at the end of a close game.  He typically delivered.

But let’s look at the pressure in our own lives.  Perhaps it’s a job interview.  Some great employees are terrible at interview time.  Why? Does the pressure of getting the job hurt their chances?

What about your child who just had a stellar year on the soccer field. Put them in the tryouts for the next level and they have a bad showing. Is it the pressure to perform?

Is it the constant scrutiny? More than likely it is due to increased performance expectations? As a parent it’s a trap that we can easily fall into. Over the years I have watched parents become visibly upset when their child struck out in baseball, missed a shot in basketball, or missed a kick in soccer. As if our kids needed more pressure.

Pressure. You can’t escape it.  It shows up repeatedly.  And when it does it robs you of joy and takes the fun away from the event.

So what can we do to counteract the downside of pressure?

1. Learn to relax. If you miss the basket, will it matter in ten years. For Lebron it may, but not for you.

2. Lighten up with others including your kids. If will be much more fun and enjoyable. It will definitely make the ride back home more enjoyable.

3. Love the pressure. Be excited that you are the one in the position to score. You got the second interview. You have the ball with three seconds left. Relish the moment and make the most of it.

4. Learn from any failures. No one, absolutely no one is perfect under pressure all the time. Learn from it and move forward.

Be honest, where are you allowing pressure to hurt your personal performance?

Romantic couple having breakfast in bedRecently I’ve come across some popular informational products on the web. Things like How to Get Your Ex Back and How to Pick up a Date After a Failed Marriage.

It just seems to me we should put that kind of effort into our current marriage.

So here is a short list of 20 things.

Obviously as you read the following list you will think of many more.  For instance, Carol likes to sum up the list with just two words: Be Nice.

Those two words are often found in short supply in many marriages. One of my professors used to always reference the old country song line, “You never know what goes on behind closed doors.”  How true that is. Marriage can look so good on the outside, but in reality the relationship is about to crash and burn.

The following list is in no particular order, however, #1 may be the most important.  At any rate, it is huge and I practice it on a regular basis.

1. Talk favorably of your spouse all the time.

2. Once you say I do, you must do.

3. Your spouse comes before your children.

4. If you are keeping a secret, you are not being truthful.

5. Love the one you are with (Success in marriage goes down with each successive marriage. In your first marriage you have a 50% chance of success, your second marriage 33%, your third 25%).

6. Don’t wait until it’s too late to ask for help.

7. You must get away with your spouse.

8. You can destroy trust in your marriage with just one stupid decision.

9. Always work to be who you want to be married to (patient, kind, etc.)

10. Trust can be rebuilt, but it will take lots of intentionality, changes, and time.

11. Do not underestimate the importance of sex.

12. The grass is greener where it is watered more.

13. Your sex life reveals a lot about your marriage.

14. Marriage counseling is cheaper than divorce.

15. Read books on marriage together.

16. Do life together.

17. Losing at love doesn’t have to be.

18. It’s easier to walk out than it is to work on your marriage.

19. Courting will keep your marriage out of court.

20. Summary: Be Nice.

iStockWordsHave you ever thought about the power and impact of your words. No doubt we have all shared many that we wish we hadn’t.

As little kids we were taught, Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Wow! Who thought that one up? And who passed that rhyme along? There is absolutely no truth in it, yet it gets repeated continually.

We all know it’s a lie. Words do hurt. We have been hurt by words. Right now you are recalling some hurtful words that were said to you.

Perhaps you are also recalling words that you said. It’s too late to take them back. Yes, you wish you could. But once they come out there is no taking back.

Plus they are rarely forgotten. Sadly, some we take all the way to the grave.

Many are said due to anger. We allow anger to take over and we let the words fly. Later we apologize, but the damage is done.

In 2 Samuel 16:5-14 David has lost the throne and is on his way out of town. One of his enemies, Shimei, berates him. His criticism of David goes over the top. There are some relational issues going on as Shimei was from the tribe of Benjamin just like Saul. Saul is now dead, but Shimei is still loyal to Saul, not David.

Time moves on. In 1 Kings 2:8-10 David comes toward the end of his life and gives his son Solomon some final counsel. Here David recounts the hurtful words Shimei leveled against him years earlier.

Those words still hurt. David had not forgotten them.

He took those hurtful words all the way to the grave. That’s sad. Perhaps even in your own life, perhaps even in your marriage you have said some words that you can’t take back.

We have all said things we wish we hadn’t. It’s time to move on. From here on out you can do a couple of things.

1. Stop. You don’t have to immediately say what has come into your mind.

2. Think. Not everything has to be said. Some things are better left unsaid. That little zinger you want to let fly will add nothing to the relationship.

3. Multiply. Research suggests that one negative can undo twenty positives. Do you realize now the power of hurtful words?

4. Ask. Is it helpful? Will this help the situation or exasperate it? Am I saying this while I am still upset and angry?

5. Proceed. If it is helpful and you have control over your emotions you will do a much better job communicating.

Just remember, if you fail to do these things your words may very well hurt…all the way to the grave!

 

 

Working_SteelErectionWithout a doubt many of my values about work came from my dad.  My dad taught me that if I was not ten minutes early then I was late.

He stressed getting on the job early and going over what had to be done for the day.  The reasoning was simple.  If the crew and I showed up right at starting time, the crew would stand around while I got my game plan together.  That equals wasted time and wasted money on wages.

Then when the day was over hang around a little.  Reflect, walk around, and survey what needs to be done the following day.  In all honesty I tended to continue to think about work long after I had left the job.

In construction it’s so common for the guys to pull up right at starting time.  In their minds they should get paid to get their tools out of their cars, take five minutes to get on the building, and have a few minutes of conversation.  Then when quitting time came they flew off the building as if they were going to a fire.  Go figure.  If they were asked to work five minutes extra they balked.

Which simply means that if you arrive first, or at least early, and leave last, or at least hang around a few minutes, you will set yourself apart from the crowd.

To this day it’s almost impossible for me not to arrive first and leave last.  For years it was ingrained into me, and I’m thankful that today it remains a core value.